I’ve been struggling to write this post…not because I didn’t want to but I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to say. Not to mention, I’ve been exhausted…my lower back and hips hurt and I’m not even halfway through yet. I had to come to terms with having another baby. (Totally not a part of the plan) I believe my partner and I both knew we just didn’t want to face the truth but reality would quickly slap us in the face.
I remember that weekend like it was yesterday. I went to brush my teeth and started gagging. He immediately popped out of bed and threatened to go to Walmart to get a pregnancy test. I was completely opposed to the idea because I’d been spotting for days, plus I have PCOS so there was no way I could be pregnant. When I look back on that moment now...I wish I did allow him to go get the test and I wouldn’t have found out alone…
Instead, I went home but something just didn’t seem right about this drive. My spirit would not settle. I felt so uneasy and kept replaying his comments in my head. Mind you…I was 45 days late but in my defense sprinkles of blood appeared. Something told me to go get a test. What was the worst that could happen? Besides it confirming what we already knew but on the bright side if it was negative I would never have to mention it. Life would return to normal.
I sat on the toilet and peed. (TMI) I set the timer on my phone for 3 minutes and waited but I notice something. The test looked funny it changed colors so fast and I instantly placed my head in my hands because those 3 minutes were not up. These were the LONGEST 3 minutes of my life! I was in complete an utter shock. I just knew this test was wrong. Thank goodness I bought 2. The joke was on me, they were both positive. I video chatted him and he was half asleep. Of course, with all of my theatrics, he was awake QUICKLY. Once he came to, I placed the pregnancy test in front of the camera and he gave this weird, devilish smile that he does often when he comes up with some awesome plan. He was excited! We didn’t speak it was that silence where no one knows what to say but it’s perfect. And because I needed words I broke the silence and asked: “so what are we gonna do?” He laughed and responded, “keep it.” I couldn’t speak. I wasn’t upset or anything…it’s just I have never had this experience before. Finding out I was pregnant in the past has always been so traumatic. This time it was normal…I felt normal.
My honey was happy – like extremely happy so how could I not be? We decided to keep this little news to ourselves until we found out a due date and if the pregnancy was viable. The appointment came and my little peanut was there! Hearing the heartbeat brought tears to my eyes. I was in complete disbelief – somehow I thought this was all a dream and when we went for the ultrasound that nothing would be there…
I met my doctor and she was as sweet as pie but brutally honest. I’ve always had a dream of giving birth at home in a pool. She chuckled and said, “ain’t gonna happen.” (I’ve had two previous caesareans and the risk are too high.)
The first trimester has FLOWN by. I’m 14 weeks into this thing and it’s had its ups and down. Many nights I’ve cried unsure if this is really what I wanted at 27 years old with two school-age children. Then I was reminded that there are so many women with my condition (PCOS) that could only dream of this moment and here I am complaining. Life is short but this will be the last one! (tubes will be tied)
My morning sickness has finally calmed down, our 12-week scan went beautifully and outside of my constant back pain I’m okay. I’m counting it all joy!
Any other moms to be out there? Let me know how you're feeling!